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Behaviour as Communication at Playgroup

We all love our children, however sometimes their behaviour can be challenging and cause stress at playgroup.  When a group of young children, with similar demands and needs, and still developing social skills find themselves in a confined space together, the chances are great that we will see more challenging behaviours that we don’t see at home.  We might ask ourselves, “what do I do to manage their behaviour?”  Or “Why are they behaving like this? What’s wrong with them? They are just trying to push my buttons or get attention!”

If we ask ourselves instead “what is their behaviour communicating to me about what they need?” we begin to understand that their need for ‘attention’ is really a need for connection and we can begin to provide the ‘right’ kind of support they need.  Children’s behaviours are indeed forms of communication.  They may be feeling big emotions but don’t yet have the ability to understand their feelings, let alone express them in a socially acceptable way.  Children may be feeling unsure, insecure, scared, or just unheard and crying or angry emotional outbursts may be the outcome.  Helping them understand their emotions and the cause can help us to provide the right support for them when they are unable to ask.  With support, and lots of practice, children learn to understand and label their emotions rather than acting upon them.  Children generally don’t choose to behave in a way to make our lives difficult, it is more likely that they are not coping at that moment and the behaviour we see is communicating a need for support.  How we respond can reinforce a behaviour positively or negatively.  It is important that we support each other to support our children while at playgroup without judgement.

Following are some examples of children’s struggles and some practical ways to support social learning.

When Children Don't Understand Requests

When making requests to children we might assume they have understood and are ignoring us.  Children can become frustrated when they don’t understand the directions aimed at them or if they are reprimanded for not doing something because they didn’t understand.

  • Young children need simple one-step directions, e.g. rather than ‘pack away’, try ‘in this basket, please put all of the little cars’ or even ‘I need some help to put away these cars. Can you help please?’  This way you are modelling the packing up as well as promoting the socially desired response to be helpful.
  • Making sure you have your child’s attention before providing directions by saying their name, placing yourself on their level, or touching them gently before speaking helps.
  • Allow time to process instructions, questions or statements before elaborating or repeating, we all take different amounts of time to process the language we hear.

Experiencing Big Emotions

Children need to learn about their emotions, just as they need to learn to walk.  When experiencing big emotions children are still learning how to express them efficiently.

  • Empathise with the child, e.g. say ‘you hurt your knee when you fell over, and you feel sad. I cry when I’m sad too.   I’m here for you (hugs)’.  You can ask them if they’d like a hug.
  • Avoid telling children that they are ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ if they are crying. If they are crying, they are clearly not okay yet. When we tell them they are okay, but they are upset they feel unheard and that their sad feelings are not acceptable and we therefore train them to bottle up their emotions.
  • If a child is already having a big emotional response, we might need to wait it out and just ‘be with’ them. Remain close by and let them know that you are there when they are ready for a hug/talk. Avoid time out as this teaches them that they should deal with ‘bad’ emotions by themselves, but they need to know we will support them through all emotions.
  • We have many emotions and children need help to be able to identify them. This free resource can help expand thinking about emotions. https://e2epublishing.info/products/feeling-cards-free-activty

Connection Seeking

Children’s positive behaviour can go unnoticed, yet they learn how quickly they gain connection when their behaviour pushes the boundaries.

  • Play and connect with children when they are connecting well with others, being kind, playing alongside others harmoniously. Comment positively when you see this, e.g. ‘that is very kind’ when a child gives a toy to another child, or ‘I could see that you were waiting until Joseph finished with that’.
  • When children do push the boundaries, e.g. they jump off the couch even though you asked them not to, reflect on what you were doing when that happened? Were they trying to get you to look up from your phone perhaps?
  • Keep your promises - If you say you will play, don’t get distracted with jobs/phone so that they need to get your connection in a way that is less desirable.
  • Make sure they know the reason for the boundary you set, reassert the boundaries briefly e.g. we don’t jump off the couch because the coffee table is near and it will hurt if you bump into it.
  • Rather than repeat the instruction, which clearly hasn’t worked, move to another area and offer connection through a more positive interaction.
  • The Circle of Security course helps understand developing connection. Find out more about the Circle of Security – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6DhnbgRAOo

Under & Over Stimulation

Under stimulation/boredom

When children are not provided with choices in their play, need to wait for toys, have no other children their age to play with, or find the toys too simple for their abilities they can become bored.  This often leads to entertaining themselves in undesirable or unsafe ways.  To avoid this at playgroup:

  • Provide multiple activities and also ask children what they would like to play with.
  • Think about the age group of the children at playgroup and provide toys appropriate for their age group.
  • Engage with them in their play, ask questions and follow their lead.  Play alongside them with items such as blocks and construction toys to model new ways of playing with the resources.

Overstimulation

Sometimes a child can feel overloaded by the multiple sensory stimulations that a busy room provides.

  • Use mats to dampen the sound indoors, create a soft quiet space, with cushions and books away from the action to allow the child to just observe others and/or ‘remove’ themselves from the chaos.
  • Maintain routines such as morning tea/snack time together, craft/sensory play experience, packing away together, singing farewell songs together in a circle – routines provide structure and safety for children as they can predict how the session will progress.

Expectations

Young children behave in a way to get something or get away from something, and they do this in the most efficient way for them.  Unfortunately, often in a way that is efficient for them, but not socially acceptable.  Rather than punishing them for their mistakes adults need to teach children better ways to meet their needs.

One common example of this is children’s ability to share (they can’t until around 6 years old). They may exhibit overly physical behaviours with other children (not bullying, just trying to get their needs met) or behaviours that ‘push our buttons’ (communicating a need, not riling up their parents).  Some responses may be to:

  • When there is some push and pull for a favourite toy we explain how to take turns without shame or punishment.
    • State how they are feeling: e.g. ‘I know you’re frustrated because you want the toy, it is hard to wait’. Very young children don’t understand sharing; they first learn to take turns.
    • Also avoid providing toys where there is only one. Challenging behaviours will increase when many children want ‘that’ toy simultaneously.
  • Suggest alternatives while waiting e.g. when it’s hard to wait my turn, I play with something else, let’s see what else we can play with while you are waiting your turn.
  • Remind the child that another child is waiting for the toy and to pass the toy on when they have finished (don’t give the child a time limit, they have a right to play with the toy as long as they want – we want to extend their concentration span, not set an expectation or limit).
  • Help the child playing with the toy to state ‘I’m playing with it’ using the language they have or by putting their hand up in a stop sign – toddlers are good at saying ‘stop’ or ‘no’.
  • When children push/hit/bite another child it’s not because they are being a ‘bully’, young children don’t manipulate in this way.  How to support:
    • Always comfort the hurt child first. Then explain calmly to the forceful child why the hurt child is crying and that they need to wait/be gentle/ take turns.
    • Don’t make the child who pushed etc. say sorry as they will not understand why and it might feel like a punishment.
    • Don’t make the ‘offender’ hug or ‘comfort’ the injured child, as they may think they are going to be hurt again and react negatively.
    • Shadow (keep at arm’s reach) a biter/hitter/pusher so you can notice the precursor behaviour that might indicate a bite/hit/shove is about to happen. This way you can redirect that child before the push/hit/bit occurs.  Keep in mind biting is a stage and they will outgrow it.

Of course, all challenges won’t go away after one redirection, consistent reinforcement is required.  It takes time and practice, for both the child and the parent, to learn new ways of responding.

How to Co-Regulate with a Child (and grown-ups too)

Co-regulation vs self-regulation

Self-regulation is what we do alone to return to a calm state after feeling a charged emotional state e.g. anger/frustration.  Adults can self-regulate, young children cannot.   Co-regulation comes before self-regulation. Children learn what regulation feels like in their body when parents and other significant people in your life (including playgroup parents) help children label their feelings, talk about their own feelings of upset and share ideas of how they settle themselves.  Then practice together many times, repeatedly, in many different situations.  Focus on these strategies to support:

  1. Create a safe environment: That includes you being regulated, but also a space where there is minimal noise, less bright lights, low mess, and predictable routines.  Routines provide security through predictability.
  2. Understand the comfort needs of each child: Do they need more space? Maybe they don’t want to be touched or need a back rub, or perhaps they prefer a firm hug. Eliminate extra stimulation e.g. Too much noise - provide some with some headphones.
  3. Build connection through shared activities: Play together, recognise and acknowledge positive playful moments as well as moments when they’ve navigated tricky moments.

Behaviours Modelled by Adults

How are you modelling responses to feelings such as frustration?  Children learn to slam doors, yell and repeat swear words with meaning by observing those in their environment.  They also learn how to be empathetic and kind when they see us supporting others, including them.  When a child is experiencing big emotions remember to:

  • Remain calm – lend your calm to your child, don’t join them in the chaos.
  • Show empathy – let them know you see they are struggling and feel for them
  • Respond rather than react – pause, respond with purpose.
  • Stop talking - Avoid trying to ‘talk them out of it’, it adds to the overwhelm. Time to gather their thoughts is essential.
  • Honour their needs – hug if they need, hold hands if they need, or just be nearby if they need. Don’t force your needs onto them.

Tips for self-regulation….. for parents

You cannot co-regulate with someone if you’re not regulated yourself.  Before you enter a challenging situation, check in with yourself. Take three slow breaths. Drop your shoulders. Soften your face. Unclench your jaw.  Your state is contagious. Make sure you’re spreading calm, not stress. If you notice you’re dysregulated, take a moment before you respond, ask for support when you need – playgroup should be a safe place to ask for help.

Here are some ideas:

  • Cool your face; put your face in cold/icy water or cool with a cold washcloth/bag of frozen peas. The quickest way to move yourself out of the ‘panic zone’.  See more about the ‘dive reflex’ . youtube.com/watch?v=Q3bir7XDcFc
  • Use a breathing technique to help slow breathing and heartrate – try five finger breathing. youtube.com/watch?v=sh79w9pn9Cg
  • Paced respiration – inhale slowly over five seconds and exhale over five seconds (slow further if you can).
  • Move – shake your ‘sillies’ out.
  • Sing – it gets the whole brain to fire instead of just your reptilian amygdala fight or flight response system.